Adult children who continue to reside in the home can drive parents crazy!  This is especially true when that adult child abuses alcohol or other drugs.  It is one of the single most frequent calls we get as drug and alcohol counselors. Parents feel they must have done something wrong or their now adult son or daughter would not be acting this way. Lovingly, they keep trying to help them, but the situation only gets worse. While the not all of the following commandments address substance abuse directly, they do address the parents putting up with the behavior.  They're based on solutions parents themselves discovered in order to regain control over their lives and their homes.

1. Thou shalt not put up with things abhorrent to thee in thine own home.
   That includes alcohol and drug abuse at the top of the list. “You’re over 18. I don’t HAVE to put up with your behavior any more. “A nice touch is to have a card with the address of the Salvation Army shelter on the refrigerator. “By the way, have you looked at the refrigerator door lately?”
2. Thy adult offspring shall pay rent.
   If they won’t pay it to you, tell them you can fix it so they’ll have to pay it to someone else and that you hope they like their new boarding house. ”Oh, here’s a close up picture of the refrigerator door for you in case you need it.” (Not applied to young adults, in college full time and doing well)
3. Thou shalt work with thy spouse to develop a common approach and stick to it.
   A must in two parent homes, and even divorced parents have shown the ability to put differences aside for this one. Parents who cancel each other out have children who grow without accountability.
4. They shall do their own laundry and help keep up the house.
   Thy child need only wash their purple sweatshirt with their white underwear once to learn how to separate colors. And yes – that’s how I figured it out. Maid service has been canceled.
5. Thou shalt not provide and pay for a cell phone, car, car insurance, credit card or other adult expenses they cannot afford.
   Nor shall thee lend them money to get their tush out of a financial bind they got it into. There are worse things than having to say “You want fries with that?” to get the money to get out of dutch.
6. Thou shalt not pay fines for anything thy adult (or juvenile) offspring does which violates the law.
   Also known as the “Daddy don’t post bail” commandment. See “You want fries with that?” above.
7. Thou shalt not call to make an appointment, cancel an appointment, call in sick or any other manner of communication an adult should be able to do for themselves.
   They have already demonstrated greater proficiency with modern communication than you will ever know. “Go ahead, text message your boss that you’re not coming in.”
8. Thou shalt never expect less of thy adult child then you were accomplishing at their age.
   My favorite question when counseling parents who are in agonizing distress over their adult child’s behavior is, “When you were that age, who was covering for you?”
9. At some point thou shalt do thy imitation of a sparrow and shove them out of the nest.
   I have, without exaggeration, counseled parents of 40-somethings still living at home. To be successful as a parent, the sparrow has to get the little bird out of the nest. There’s nothing like a free fall to help you remember to flap your wings.
10. Thou shalt not allow thyself to be treated like a doormat - ever.
    While we will always be mother and father to our children, at some point we have to stop acting like mommy and daddy. Adult skills are learned only when there are adult consequences.

Nominations are open for more “Commandments for Parents”. Email your suggestions to me at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .