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“I was the person who made the party. People waited for me to get there because they knew that once I had a few in me, the jokes would roll and everyone would have a good time. No one could see how alone I felt.”

“ I was the guy with the pot. Everyone knew it and as long as I had some to share or sell, everyone was my friend. Inside I knew it wasn’t me they really wanted. It was what I could give them. Recovery has been tough, but I’m not alone anymore.”

I think at one time or another everyone has had the feeling of being alone, even when other people are around them. For an alcoholic or a drug addict that feeling is chronic. Almost everyone misses it because they’re caught up in the external appearance and personality.

Almost all alcohol or other drug abuse starts out as a good time. Sometimes it starts as a way to relax. Some of it begins as a way to deal with depression. Some it starts as a way to feel comfortable around other people and be social. For some it provides the false courage to confront situations.

None of those things are bad by themselves. Everyone wants to feel good. No one wants to walk around depressed. All of us need other people. Everyone has to confront unpleasant situations from time to time. What a substance abuser starts out trying to do isn’t bad, but it ends up that way. It’s just one of the things that separates a social drinker from an alcoholic and someone who may have experimented with drugs from one who becomes addicted.

Sooner or later, however, alcohol or drugs become the only means the person sees to get manage their emotions. One of my colleagues, Tom M. put it to me this way.

“I never felt equal to other people. I wanted to ask girls to dance or go out with me, but I was so shy I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Alcohol helped me overcome that shyness. Pretty soon I was relying on it to handle every uncomfortable emotion I had. It became my friend. In the end, I was so alone I wanted to die. I even asked a family member if I could borrow a gun. Alcoholics Anonymous helped save my life.”

Tom and I worked together for years at the Halfway House. Later he worked in the Wyoming Valley, and we kept up our contact. I still use the tape he made for me to teach others in early recovery and give them hope. Tom passed away a few years back. He touched hundreds of lives for the better, mine included.

Non addicted people don’t understand that, for an alcoholic or addict, the drink or drug is a relationship. It’s a friend on whom they rely; something they can count on to always be there, that won’t abandon them. Some fear leaving their use behind because then they will be truly alone. It’s not unusual to hear, “I started out going to parties and ended up alone with only a bottle for company.” Still, leaving it behind to enter recovery can be a frightening time. Many are scared they will have nothing left if they let it go.

Families and friends are often so frustrated. They’ll plead, threaten, talk with, try to bribe. . . anything they can think of to break through. They don’t know that a chemical addiction is a prison, not just a disease. Love alone is often not enough.

Recovery brings a person slowly back to life. In the recovery fellowships of AA or NA the recovering addict finds others to whom they don’t have to explain. Everyone one of them has known the feeling of “alone in a room full of people.” Church fellowships can do the same. Always, however, the alcoholic or drug user has to lay down their sword and acknowledge that they’re beat.

The aloneness ends when the addict lets others into their life. It takes great courage, but it’s worth the risk.