The Principle of Least Interest.

In any relationship, the person who has the least interest has the greatest power.

    Willard Waller

The “Principle of Least Interest” is an actual social work theory.  It has been around since the late 1930's and was coined to describe power in relationships.

For example, if I am selling my house and the buyer desperately wants it, I have no need to bargain with my price. If I let the buyer know “I’m not interested in what you want, I may just walk away.” I’m in the driver’s seat.  I can play them, even inventing another “interested buyer” to squeeze out a few more dollars.

When I first read the principle a thunderclap went off in my head.  In one sentence it captured so much of what I see. I see it when a spouse is desperate to save a marriage and their counterpart isn’t interested. I see it especially in families desperate to correct the behavior of an adult child who had no interest in changing.

Pictures of former cases tumbled in my brain.  I could hear the voices of parents pleading with their 20 year-old, or 30 year-old “child” to please stop drinking, please get a job, please stand on your own two feet, please. . . .

I remember two daughters, both young women, pleading with their dad to stop drinking and telling him how he hurt them, giving examples that were painful for even me to hear. Meanwhile, even though dad said “I’ll do better,” both I and they knew it was just words.  Of every member of the family, he had the least interest and, up to that point, had the most power.

I say “up to that point,” because things changed that day.  You see the “Principle of Least Interest” works in both directions.  After this meeting the daughters were satisfied they had tried their best and became willing to walk away. Power over their lives shifted back to them. While they would always love their dad, his recovery was up to him.

I remember the parents who told their adult drug using son that his suitcase was in the trunk of their car.  He was going to rehab or out on the street, they didn’t care which. I felt the power shift in the room that day. They loved him, but would no longer be victimized by him. Their son went to treatment and recovered. I have used that specific session as an example a thousand times over the years.  Who knows how many lives and families it saved.  Very often, the best therapist in the room is in the other chair.

It sounds so cold doesn’t it?  “The Principle of Least Interest.”  “I won’t be interested in you when you’re not showing me you’re interested in yourself.” But no one I remember who hit this point ever stopped loving the other person.  They simply accepted the reality that had been staring them in the face.  If the other person wasn’t interested in changing, it was foolish for them to continue suffering.  They put the other adult’s outcome in their hands where it belonged and became willing to walk away, broken heart and all.

There are no guarantees this will make the other person better, only that those who have tried everything will regain control over their lives and find the peace of mind and heart they deserved all along.  It’s a big step, but sometimes it’s the only one left.