Do those sound like the same thing? Trust me. They’re not.

“Am I becoming the best parent I can be?” or “Am I making the best kid I can?” are two entirely different questions, and they direct our behavior in two entirely different directions.

I’ve counseled parents who told me how they put their children into all kinds of activities when they were young. They saw to lessons in many different things. Some sat on their children’s shoulders to get excellent grades, for others it was athletics, for others it was music or beauty pageants or whatever. And there is nothing inherently wrong with any of that. But these parents were in my counseling room in utter distress that their now late teenage child out of control.

Some parents make their child’s “performance” their own purpose in life. Their measure themselves as parents based on how well their child is doing the task they’ve chosen. They push for more, no matter how good the “performance” is. They’re more apt to catch their mistakes so they can make a still “better kid.”

It’s a recipe for disaster. The child arrives in their teen years not knowing who they are, only who other people want them to be. And they rebel.

A child raised this way comes to believe their personal worth is based on how well they do , not on who they are or the character within. Many don’t even know who they are outside their “performance.” We see both teens and adults, who are outstanding in some areas, but who utterly hate themselves. No matter how well they do, it’s never good enough. They have taken over their parents’ role demanding a perfection they can never reach.

Other parents do whatever they believe will make their child happy! They shower them with freedom, gifts, cars most of us couldn’t afford, credit cards. They’re convinced they’re showing their child how much they love them. And, if their child is happy, they must be doing a wonderful job as parents. New pair of $160.00 Nikes? No problem.

Then, one day, all hell breaks loose. No matter how much they’re given, it’s not enough. The child wants more. The parents have an overgrown brat on their hands who believes life should always feel good and they should get whatever they want. When they get into drugs or drinking, it’s just one more way to feel good, one more thing they’re entitled to. I shook my head sadly when one such teen said, “I’m into pharmaceuticals” as though it was somehow a cut above “regular” drugs.

In both cases, the super successful child and the brat, the parents are in distress. They can’t understand what they did wrong. What they did was ask the wrong question, “How do I make a better kid?

When we, as parents, ask ourselves, “Am I being the best parent I can be?” we focus internally. We’re asking ourselves to see that “ideal” of a parent each of us carries inside and how we’re measuring up to it. We hold all our behavior against those standards. When our child succeeds we acknowledge the success, but not just the event. We let them know we see the work that went into it, the time they put into it. We shape them toward the skills they will need as successful adults.

When they don’t succeed, we help them see what they could have done better, but also what parts went right. Even in failure there are some elements of success. They teach that champions are not made so much by counting the number of their victories as by how well they handle their defeats. Fall down 10 times, but get up eleven.

When a parent says “no” to a child’s request, the child will not be happy. They’re not supposed to be happy. They’re supposed to be obedient. We, as parents, know that things freely given are cheaply valued, and that those things earned have greater meaning. Too much given too soon only tells a child that life should always be easy. However, parents know true strength of character is only be born through self control, discipline and overcoming the healthy challenges a child needs. This is the measure of true love. There is a richness in that poverty that standing ovations and flashy cars will never equal.

Do I become a better parent, or do I make a better kid? Which of those questions we choose to answer makes all the difference in the world.