Ed's Articles

The Principle of Least Interest.

In any relationship, the person who has the least interest has the greatest power.

    Willard Waller

The “Principle of Least Interest” is an actual social work theory.  It has been around since the late 1930's and was coined to describe power in relationships.

For example, if I am selling my house and the buyer desperately wants it, I have no need to bargain with my price. If I let the buyer know “I’m not interested in what you want, I may just walk away.” I’m in the driver’s seat.  I can play them, even inventing another “interested buyer” to squeeze out a few more dollars.

When I first read the principle a thunderclap went off in my head.  In one sentence it captured so much of what I see. I see it when a spouse is desperate to save a marriage and their counterpart isn’t interested. I see it especially in families desperate to correct the behavior of an adult child who had no interest in changing.

Pictures of former cases tumbled in my brain.  I could hear the voices of parents pleading with their 20 year-old, or 30 year-old “child” to please stop drinking, please get a job, please stand on your own two feet, please. . . .

Read more: The Principle of Least Interest

About ten years ago I received a call from Geisinger Medical Center in Danville. The doctor who called told me I had sent them the drunkest person they had ever seen live.

I was pretty proud. Hey, that’s a “high five” for a drug and alcohol counselor. We don’t get out much.

Read more: A Disease, not a Decision

The following article is not original. I received it as an email from a friend, enjoyed its simple wisdom. Two of the column’s I’ve written received a good many comments from parents. One was entitled “When is it time to stop raising “the Kid”. The other was “The Ten Commandments for Parents of Adults.” I enjoyed this take on the subject and thought you would as well.

Read more: A Powerful Drug

“I was the person who made the party. People waited for me to get there because they knew that once I had a few in me, the jokes would roll and everyone would have a good time. No one could see how alone I felt.”

“ I was the guy with the pot. Everyone knew it and as long as I had some to share or sell, everyone was my friend. Inside I knew it wasn’t me they really wanted. It was what I could give them. Recovery has been tough, but I’m not alone anymore.”

I think at one time or another everyone has had the feeling of being alone, even when other people are around them. For an alcoholic or a drug addict that feeling is chronic. Almost everyone misses it because they’re caught up in the external appearance and personality.

Read more: Alone in a Room Full of People

Recently you might have read about a rash of heroin overdose deaths all over the country. In Wayne County, Illinois they recorded over 50 in a two week period, with another 45 suspected deaths from the same cause. The overdoses have happened in large cities and rural areas. Near Pennsylvania they’ve happened as close as Phillipsburg, New Jersey.

Read more: Are These People Crazy?

Do those sound like the same thing? Trust me. They’re not.

“Am I becoming the best parent I can be?” or “Am I making the best kid I can?” are two entirely different questions, and they direct our behavior in two entirely different directions.

Read more: Become a better parent, or Making a better kid?

“I woke up in a motel. I didn’t even know what city I was in. I ran outside and looked at my car checking for blood. I was afraid I might have killed someone and not even known it.”

“When I woke up, my wife was furious with me. She said I had acted like a complete fool last night and insulted our guests. I swear, I don’t remember what I said or did.”

“I lived in Wilkes-Barre in June 1972. I remember being in a bar, listening to the TV about hurricane Agnes and a flood warning. My next memory is being in Philadelphia a week later. I don’t know how I got there. My car was gone and I had no money.”

All three stories are true and describe one of the more terrifying things alcohol abusers experience. Technically it’s known as Alcohol Amnestic Disorder. More commonly it’s simply called a “Blackout.”

Read more: Blackouts

Only one man ever died at Serento Gardens. He was a resident in when we had a halfway house many years ago. He left no family. There was no one to notify. There was no one to bury him.

Read more: Gratitude

I know in what I say
I know in what is written.
I don’t know in what which way
how it has been taken.
V.G. Kreuder

Once, when running a group therapy session at our halfway house, I found myself frustrated trying to make a point. I looked to my left at three men seated next to each other and said, “You’re a drunk; you’re a drunk and you’re a drunk.”

Read more: Moving Air

In the morning I want to be dead because I can’t fact the day. At noon I want to live forever, because Sarah smiled at me. In the afternoon, I want a red sports car, because this geek next door has one. And in the evening I want to be anywhere but home because you are fighting with Mom again about nothing. Are you serious when you ask me “What do you really want?”

Read more: It's Still Your Child